Away from me Satan

A man walking in the distance in the desert place

no one can hear him, no one can clearly see his face

but then you look again and see something clear

its the devil whispering to him in his ear

40 days and 40 nights the man walks alone

no food no water he wastes away dry to the bone

the devil offers bread but to his dismay

the man turns the devils offer away

the man said

away from me, satan

away from me, satan now!

on top of the temple the wind is gushing all around

Satan asks the man to throw himself to the ground

the Son of God denies the devil’s request

Never put the Lord your God to the test

on top of the world the devil says ‘bow down to me

and i will give you everything that you can see

the whole earth and it’s splendor will all be yours

from the distant golden lands and the shining shores’

and Christ said

away from me, Satan

away from me, Satan now!

this is going to be a pretty sweet song.

Prayer

Paul saw this today.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/12/china.quake/index.html

His parents are okay.

It made him pull this out:

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assissi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

And then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

Failure

Failure.

I am a failure. I’ve failed in pretty much everything I’ve done, especially when it comes to the things that I want to change about myself. I’m a sick twisted person. I’ve blurred the line between right and wrong so much now that I no longer feel guilt or shame for any wrong that I do. I have the knowledge of what is right and wrong….but I no longer feel like I have the heart to feel what is right and wrong.

I always am asking for change in myself. I want to change my attitude, my habits, the way I live, and those around me. I struggle with so many things that I’ve given up on change. This ‘apathy’ for change (for lack of a better word) has caused me to slowly sever my relationship with God.

I’ve fallen so deep into a sinful life that I no longer ‘feel’ God’s presence. My heart has become still and I feel like I can’t keep it going. I still desire a relationship but I feel like I have fallen so far that I will not be able to catch up again. I feel crippled. I feel like I can’t move. My senses have been dulled.

I can’t find a clear description in words to describe what it feels like to lose in a battle with sin.

I want to overcome it. I want to do so many things but I can’t because of the way I am. I want to write songs with Isaac and I want to  lead worship at VCC. I want to talk about God with my friends at college and I want the freedom to worship God wherever I please with fear of persecution. That is what I desire but I have blocked myself off of it because of this shame that I bear.

What do I do? What can I do? I’ve failed at this relationship with God so therefore I have failed my relationship with myself and my relationships with those around me.

What do I do?

Success

One day, some time ago, Paul wrote this during his boring art class:

“Success. We all want it so bad. Especially in America. We live in a society where if you fall behind, then you stay behind. Why must we have this overwhelming greed? This lust for power?

Not all success is bad, of course. It’s when one goes over the top. It’s where desiring financial stability turns into uncontrollable greed. It’s when finally having control of something turns into a sudden lust for power. It’s when you defend your territory and then when you successfully defend it, you go out and conquer somebody else’s land.

I refuse to join this wave of vice. At least, I try not to. Yes, it’d be nice to have some extra cash but why can’t I be satisfied with what I have? It’s one thing to be proud of something you’ve done, but boasting about it is just tasteless.

I don’t know if it will change. I don’t know if it CAN change. We’ve gotten pretty lost in this pot of greed.”

And then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

Dallas Museum of Art

Today was Diadeloso which means ‘Day of the Bear’. Baylor University just chooses a random thursday in the spring to have a day off and just have fun.

Thus, Paul had no school today.

Though, he still had work…

…at 9:45 am.

So it was a pretty miserable morning. But afterwards, he had lunch with a group of his friends.

Then he had to borrow his friend’s car to drive to Dallas so he could go to the Dallas Museum of Art to do an assignment for his art class. It was a lot more enlightening than he thought it would be. Although he had a little trouble when he got there. He didn’t have any cash to pay for parking so he had to park it illegally and then walk around to find a Bank of America ATM so he could grab some cash.

He looked at a lot of art and it was scary. It was very real so it kind of scared him but he dealt with it like a man and walked around quickly trying to ignore the blank stares of the paintings that glared into the depths of his soul.

Paul was hoping that he could use this blog and be able to find inspiration to write something creative as well as meaningful but he is disappointed to find that all he has written are fancy xanga posts.

*sigh*

And then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

Raise the Dead

Paul bought the new Phantom Planet album, Raise the Dead. He loves it. Probably one of his favorite musical albums this year.

Paul’s speech didn’t go as well as he had thought it would. He thought he would do better on this speech because it was a speech he actually was mildy interested in.

Paul remembers that he had a really profound thought today but now that he is here typing it out, he can’t remember what it was.

Paul has stopped talking to one of his closest friends. He misses talking to her but he’s going to see how long he can draw it out. It really has become a self-inflicting thing at this point.

Paul is still tossing and turning over his summer plans.

Paul is still trying to remember his profound thought but he can’t.

*sigh*

And then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

The Winning Days are Gone

Paul is procrastinating. It is something he does very often. He has a speech to prepare for tomorrow. He did pretty bad last time so he wants to make up for it. The speech’s subject is a controversial subject that is affecting the USA. Paul’s professor wants a good creative topic and not the usual controversial subjects that people choose. So Paul chose film ratings.

Paul watched the movie ‘Walk Hard’ and realized how america’s film rating system seems to have become more lenient. In ‘Walk Hard’, there were a number of shots that included genitalia. There was also many scenes with sexual contexts. He was horrified at first at the site of another man’s genitalia but at the same time disappointed at America’s moral standards.

And so, Paul is writing his speech about how the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) needs to step it up when it comes to rating films. For the sake of children’s minds and for the sake of America’s standards, the MPAA needs to be a little harder on rating the films.

Paul’s has actually thought a little more on how American culture has affected him. America can be the most violent country on the planet, always warring, always finding reasons to fight one another, but at the same time can become a leader for peace in the world. Paul sees individuals care so much about human rights in the paper with the Beijing Olympics and China’s policy towards the Tibetans that they are willing to put out a world symbol for unity (the Olympic Torch). Humans are so strange

And then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

Chapter 4

Paul sometimes forgets that he has a blog to update.

The past week has been just alright. Paul got back 2 tests. He didn’t do as well as he had hoped on his history test but he did do pretty well on his political science test which he is very pleased with. It bumped his grade up to somewhere he was happy with because he was falling behind in that class.

What else to say?

Paul doesn’t know what to say. Life has been moving on.

What has changed with Paul? Paul leads, or what he feels like is, a monotonous life. Work, school, and futures.

*sigh*

and then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

PS: Matthew 6:33 – “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”    -thanks Isaac

I’m late.

Paul’s speech went horribly. He wrote out the outline and it was good. He did the research and that was fine. He did everything right…except prepare what to say in the actual speech. So when Paul went up there, he first lowered everyone’s standards and then gave a speech that was about 2:45 short of what it should have been. Paul got a bad grade.

But Paul laughed it off. His other speeches have been mediocre so he is not so worried.

It was a long day. He had work early in the morning. After that he had to go submit his lease guarantor form for his apartment (that is a document signed by a guardian that says that they can pay for rent if the leasee cannot or does not). Paul’s aunt in California is his ‘guardian’. Then he had classes till 3:30, one of his classes, his intro to art class, he hates with a passion. The long, boring hour and a half of a woman talking more about art history than actual concepts of art. But Paul is just trying to push through this year. After his classes was his failure of a speech and then home.

Paul realizes that sometimes he takes his family for granted. His mom and dad are off in China and he does truly miss them. His sister is away at another college and he misses her too…sometimes. His only other family is in California. His Aunt takes care of him very well. He is grateful for her.

And again, Paul misses his friends back in Oklahoma. He found out that he might not be able to stay in Oklahoma for the summer. He has to find someone to live in his apartment during the summer if he wants to live in Oklahoma. He worries about it constantly.

 Paul talked to his parents on the phone. He does so about once every week. He told them about his worries about his summer and all his worries about it and they kept saying pray about it. Paul got angry at this. Paul wanted a definite response, not some vague form of action. Yet, at the same time, Paul recognized his anger and started to ponder his faith. Had he lost faith in God? Had he lost his faith in prayer? He had gone through the past couple of weeks working on his faith, building it up, and suddenly, it all tumbled down when he got angry at the thought of presenting his problems to God. Not even the action, but even the thought of praying got Paul frustrated.

And then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

Schoolio is not so Coolio

Paul woke up groggily this morning. He had stayed up late last night because of work and then he had to get up about 6 hours later to go to his first class at 9:00am. What was even worse is that he stayed up even later after he got back from work around 2:30 in the morning and watched TV with his roommate. He didn’t watch TV as much as he did think about this coming week though.

Paul skipped his history class. He was just too tired after his first class so he skipped it and took a nap before going to work. They were starting a new chapter and just didn’t care. He barely paid attention in the class anyway. He had a speech to do on Tuesday. He knew he would be working on that all night that hot, humid Monday.

For his speech assignment, he has to give a speech persuading the audience to buy a stock. Paul hated this. Paul is a Film and Digital Media major, not a Buisness major. He had no real interest in stocks and bonds. His mind was filled with camera shots of his own life.

His political science class was actually mildly interesting today. There was a debate on gun control between students. Paul supports the individual right to own a gun but he would like to see a little more regulation. The debate even heated up to the point where people talked about guns in schools. Paul, of course, would not ever want to see a gun in school unless it was a police officer holding it.

After classes, Paul took another nap for about 2 hours before he decided to start working on his speech. He hates his speech class.

Paul is a facebook addict. The second he touches a computer, facebook is on the screen multiple times within the first 10 minutes. Through facebook, he can see what other people are up to. In today’s case, Paul found pictures that his friend Jenney had posted. She had posted pictures of a BBQ that his old church had. Paul’s sister, Sara, was in Oklahoma for her Spring Break so she was there at the BBQ too. He was jealous. He misses that place so much.

Paul finished writing out the outline to his speech and he is hoping that his speech goes well.

and then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

The End