Away from me Satan

A man walking in the distance in the desert place

no one can hear him, no one can clearly see his face

but then you look again and see something clear

its the devil whispering to him in his ear

40 days and 40 nights the man walks alone

no food no water he wastes away dry to the bone

the devil offers bread but to his dismay

the man turns the devils offer away

the man said

away from me, satan

away from me, satan now!

on top of the temple the wind is gushing all around

Satan asks the man to throw himself to the ground

the Son of God denies the devil’s request

Never put the Lord your God to the test

on top of the world the devil says ‘bow down to me

and i will give you everything that you can see

the whole earth and it’s splendor will all be yours

from the distant golden lands and the shining shores’

and Christ said

away from me, Satan

away from me, Satan now!

this is going to be a pretty sweet song.

Prayer

Paul saw this today.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/12/china.quake/index.html

His parents are okay.

It made him pull this out:

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assissi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

And then Paul wrote a blog in the third person.

Failure

Failure.

I am a failure. I’ve failed in pretty much everything I’ve done, especially when it comes to the things that I want to change about myself. I’m a sick twisted person. I’ve blurred the line between right and wrong so much now that I no longer feel guilt or shame for any wrong that I do. I have the knowledge of what is right and wrong….but I no longer feel like I have the heart to feel what is right and wrong.

I always am asking for change in myself. I want to change my attitude, my habits, the way I live, and those around me. I struggle with so many things that I’ve given up on change. This ‘apathy’ for change (for lack of a better word) has caused me to slowly sever my relationship with God.

I’ve fallen so deep into a sinful life that I no longer ‘feel’ God’s presence. My heart has become still and I feel like I can’t keep it going. I still desire a relationship but I feel like I have fallen so far that I will not be able to catch up again. I feel crippled. I feel like I can’t move. My senses have been dulled.

I can’t find a clear description in words to describe what it feels like to lose in a battle with sin.

I want to overcome it. I want to do so many things but I can’t because of the way I am. I want to write songs with Isaac and I want to  lead worship at VCC. I want to talk about God with my friends at college and I want the freedom to worship God wherever I please with fear of persecution. That is what I desire but I have blocked myself off of it because of this shame that I bear.

What do I do? What can I do? I’ve failed at this relationship with God so therefore I have failed my relationship with myself and my relationships with those around me.

What do I do?