Failure

Failure.

I am a failure. I’ve failed in pretty much everything I’ve done, especially when it comes to the things that I want to change about myself. I’m a sick twisted person. I’ve blurred the line between right and wrong so much now that I no longer feel guilt or shame for any wrong that I do. I have the knowledge of what is right and wrong….but I no longer feel like I have the heart to feel what is right and wrong.

I always am asking for change in myself. I want to change my attitude, my habits, the way I live, and those around me. I struggle with so many things that I’ve given up on change. This ‘apathy’ for change (for lack of a better word) has caused me to slowly sever my relationship with God.

I’ve fallen so deep into a sinful life that I no longer ‘feel’ God’s presence. My heart has become still and I feel like I can’t keep it going. I still desire a relationship but I feel like I have fallen so far that I will not be able to catch up again. I feel crippled. I feel like I can’t move. My senses have been dulled.

I can’t find a clear description in words to describe what it feels like to lose in a battle with sin.

I want to overcome it. I want to do so many things but I can’t because of the way I am. I want to write songs with Isaac and I want to  lead worship at VCC. I want to talk about God with my friends at college and I want the freedom to worship God wherever I please with fear of persecution. That is what I desire but I have blocked myself off of it because of this shame that I bear.

What do I do? What can I do? I’ve failed at this relationship with God so therefore I have failed my relationship with myself and my relationships with those around me.

What do I do?